I hate stupid fucking women. NO, not my gf. Some fucking dumbass older woman who I work with. She is a fucking idiot and she can't take blame for herself. She is sexist all she says at work is, "This is a mans world!" I am sorry, I may be your manager, but OUR manager is a woman. She can be annoying as hell at times (just bc she doesn't have her job all the way down yet), but she is cool as fawk. So you mean to tell me this is a mans world yet OUR boss is a female!!! This person cannot count money if her life depended on it and exaggerates everything and also blow everything out of proportion. WOW. She counted the register last night and fucked it up and then she opened today and it was... One not at a 350 bank only at a 300 and TWOOOO it was close to $100 short!!!!!!!! I simply told her according to company policy that she must call the DM and LP person and leave them a voicemail and fill out an incident report and fax it. She told OUR boss that I accused her of stealing and that I came off very bad. I CAME OFF CASUALLY!!! She even tried to put it off on someone else who closed last night that didn't count the drawer!!! She canNOT take responsibility or blame for herself. She had FOUR repeat FOUR manager train her. She logged into the stockroom position instead of sales. CAN SOMEONE SAY INCOMPETENT!!!!!!! Then I get accused of accusing her!!! WTF. I was just reciting our policies and procedures. This is fucking ridiculous!!!

Here is something that REALLY makes me think of my gf.

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing


Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever


I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing


I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time


Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
Cause I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing


I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing


Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah
I don't wanna miss a thing

Date:	2004-11-10 22:18
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

I don't know why, but I just heard these lyrics from one of the CD's my girlfriend owns. I like it. Of course things between her and I are rough right now and I should pick some better lyrics buuuut I like these.

I'm Standing on a bridge
I'm waitin in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
Theres nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but theres no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I'm, I'm with you

im looking for a place
searching for a face
is there anybody here i know
cause nothings going right
and everythigns a mess
and no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I'm, I'm with you

oh why is everything so confusing
maybe I'm just out of my mind
yea yea yea

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I'm, I'm with you

Take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I'm, I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I'm, I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you...

Date:	2004-10-20 22:03
Subject:	.........
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper

Col rocks out with her cock out. She is definitley a ROCK STAR!!!!!!!

Date:	2004-10-20 22:02
Subject:	.........
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper

Col rocks out with her cock out. She is definitley a ROCK STAR!!!!!!!

Thank GOD for Tylenol PMs.

I don't even know what to say. I just did the hardest thing that I feel like I ever had to do. I had to call it quits with someone special. Though she feels that I walked out on her she is sadly mistaken. I just can't be with someone who is unstable and I know I can't change them. For some reason my heart is telling me to get back with that special someone, but my brain says, "Hey, jackass are you effin stupid?!" I think our creator thought it would be pretty funny to give us a heart and a brain. That way he could sit back and laugh as both of them debated on what to do. She left me a voicemail and I talked to her today and the sound of her voice so weak and sad almost made me fall to my knees. It is one of the most difficult things to do...listen and know how upset someone that is close to you is. I may have only known her as my gf for a little over a month, but god you can get very close with someone in a short period of time. Sorry my thoughts are very sporadic but I have so many right now. I even caught myself today. I was over a friends house and I was playing with her dog and made a voice. The voice reminded me how I would play with her and imitate her voice. I suddenly stopped. It struck me so hard. Since, I have been hurt so many times I would like to say that it is easy to get over that person. It's not. I have got better at hiding my feelings. I was with a few of my friends today with a smile on my face joking around and poking fun. That smile is far from the truth, I must say. This just ugh. I somewhat feel like Romeo and Juliet. How they knew that they were supposed to be together, but they couldn't bc of their hatred their parents had, well hell you know the story and if you don't...wow that would be sad. I want to be with her, but I know I can't and I know it isn't right. I could not even think of the look my father would give me if I told him we were back. I couldn't deal with all the friends who would jump my shit around the clock. I know I know, follow your heart. I can't we both said some horrible things to each other Monday night, but I still can't get over all that happened...ugh. I wish I knew what to do. I, I, I, don't know.

When your day is long and the night,
The night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough
With this life,
Well hang on


Don't let yourself go,
'Couse everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes


Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your days is night alone,
If you feel like letting go,
When you think you've had too much
Of this life,
Well hang on


Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand
Oh, no
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone,
No, no, no, you are not alone


If you're on your own in this life,
The days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much
Of this life to hang on



Well, everybody hurts,
Sometimes everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes
So, hold on, hold on, hold on...
(Everybody hurts... You are not alone)

Forgot to mention a couple things. Col and me got in what I guess would be a "lover's quarrel," nothing serious. Also I feel bad bc I don't really go out with her or out anymore. I just feel so bad, I would like to go out with her, but I have two reasons...maybe more... First, I am broke as shit. I just got out of school and have a shitty part-time job bc I graduated from UofL I will not find a real job. So part-time job attempts repeat attempts to pay; rent, utilities, bi-phone bills, internet, and about ten credit cards that are pretty much maxed out. Yeah, part-time is not going to pay for that. How the fuck am I going to be able to go out with her somewhere? Second, she goes to these little frat things. My time has passed. I have graduated from college, that part of my life is on the road that lies behind me. I should be the grown up guy. I am NOT going to go to some frat party with a bunch of little shits trying to be bad asses and girls trying to impress those dorks. I have been there done that. Hell, I was in a frat. I would like to think that after graduation my life has changed just a bit. I dunno. Laters.

This live journal thing is pretty addicting. It seems better than to talk to your friends. Think about it, you have a horrible day or just want to talk about you for once in your life right? You spit out two sentences and then they turn it back to them. God I hate that. It reminds me of Toby Keith's song "I wanna talk about me!" Anyway today. I wakeup and post a journal, talk to Colleen and then watch Braveheart and screw around. Real productive, huh? Then Colleen comes over which was awesome. We spent some time together and had our fun. She does bother me at times b/c she can be so shy with her body. Everyone has their flaws, look at Fabio, the name itself is a damn flaw. Fabio. Come on! She can do something about it or accept it. I am fine with it, I just wish she would understand that. As Col was leaving one of the Indians invited me to play volleyball. I accepted and played with them. OMG that was a mistake! These guys think they are in the damn Olympics. Seriously. There could be one guy in the front left corner and if the ball went to the back right corner that same guy would run after it. Fuck where aer you BOUNDARIES? Half the time Colleen was screwing up my game. Every two seconds I would look up at her window to see her. To see if she was looking at me. Would have been nice if that was the case! HA! The second game I was just thinking, "Screw this!" So, I didn't really try. The funny thing though was that when a ball went to someone, like directly to them they wouldn't hit it? WTF? Then they would kind of look at me and blame me. OKAY, idiot! About the time I left Colleen and her three friends were leaving. Col gave me a block of ice bc she thought I might be hot! Either she was trying to be funny or her cheap ass couldn't get her dehydrated man some water!!! God, Col looked really really good. I am kind of jealous in the back of my head that she is at some Frat Boy Cock Fest. Where she could get drunk and taken advantage of. However, I know that my girl is my girl and she would never do that. In a relationship you must have trust right? Right. GOD she looked SO GOOD. It kind of makes me jealous as well to see her so dressed up. I never get to see her dressed up a little, WTF! There are two things to think about though. First, you don't go to some party bummed out. Second, every time I look into Colleen's eyes, I see how beautiful she is. No outfit, or makeup, or whatever can top that. She is so gorgeous on so many levels when you look into this girls eyes. WOW. She is always uncertain of me and there is nothing I can do to reassure her that I do like her. Earlier when she was over my place, I swear to God I was looking at her in the eyes and I almost broke down. It is like just penetrated through my forcefield, my wall, and she wasn't even trying. It was just her inner feelings and everything that makes her great just shot out through her eyes and locked onto mine. "I'M HIT! MAY DAY MAY DAY!" Lets stop getting mushy shall we. She got a little pissed at me bc she thought I was checking out her friends chest. Well maybe I did. See I am a guy first and foremost. My boss has told me there were times when I stared at a girl's chest and didn't even realize it. He laughs about it all the time and the fact that I didn't even know I did it makes him hysterical! So, maybe I did. Col just called and said that they were going to some place to drink. Then go to the fag ball. That is real stupid. I can't say anything though ever since my second year of college, we would all predrink over Head's place (That's his last name/nickname) and get pretty shitty and go out. It is the college thing I know, but it is also my girl that is going to be in that bar. Hell, I don't like it when she gets shitty bc she is an ASS!!! I don't care if she is around me, but other fuckers that want to get "pussy pussy pussy" Oh No, I think not chief. How does a gun down your throat feel? No, I am not stupid, so lets rephrase that. How is a SIZE TWELVE UP YOUR ASS FEEL? Much better! Yes, it is true about big feet but I am a size four! JK. Alright I am hopping off here. I have to make a bunch of phone calls and take a shower I still have sand on my legs and feet. Plus Col is going to probably read this and see where she "thinks" I saw her call, but the truth is I put the phone on silent the first time she came over. No distractions just me and her. Later cyber world.

Date:	2004-08-26 09:59
Subject:	What a day and night!
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

Wow where to begin. First off never thought I would use this live journal shit, my gf put made my account, but there is a first time for everything. Lets see yesterday I was able to spend quality time with my dad. I painted his porch railings which took forever! Then we went to Arby's, I swear to god the qualifications for that job must be breathing. They had to be the dumbest people in the freaking world. Leads to my theory morons should not procreate. I leave there and go home, take a shower, and watch The Drew Carey Show. That is one of the funniest damn shows. Talk to my girlfriend who had something stuck up her ass at the time. Which I should have known what it is! She worked freakin' all day and barely had any sleep! Wouldn't you be a little cranky! She snaps at me bc I don't like a song she happens to really like. To be honest with you it sounds like a guy singing while sucking on a goats balls! I get off the phone bc I know I have a temper and I don't want to blow up at her and get in a fight over the dumbest shit. I did that when I was a kid, I don't do it now bc I grew the blank up! So then my neighbor (I am not going to try to spell his name, he is from India so it would be way off) grabs me and tells me to come with me bc she invited him and some friends to play poker. I get out of my pjs and go with him. My gf wonders why I am a little distant. Honestly, don't really know. It might have been bc I was a little annoyed at her attitude with me from earlier. I doubt it though. I was just in one of those "off" moods. We stay there for all of ten minutes and go up to her room. The people that are there is...her, her roomate, my two friends, and me. It was pretty boring to say the least, probably bc I was in my shit mood. We left got beer and went to my niegbors to play an Indian game. This game is fun, I chose not to play. My short Indian friend was playing with my gf. I thought it was shits and giggles, but I was wrong. He was smacking her ass, but I knew it was my buddy being wild and when she'd hit him back I was really really wrong. She told me how pissed she was so I corrected the problem. Oh, let me tell you she was drunk. There are many reasons for knowing, but when someone says to you that they are not drunk and slurs, it is a pretty good indicator that you are hammered! Her roomate who has not drank is sleepy. At this time Colleen (my gf) is outside running. Yeah, real fucking stupid, but she is going to make her own mistakes. I don't know if she thought she was running in Mayberry, but Aunt Bee was no where to be found. So, I carry her roomate to my couch and cover her up. Set the alarm (see responsible guy). We go to get more beer and there Colleen is. She comes. Then she comes up and dances with me. Honestly I can't dance, she was drunk, so I was just the strippers pole! LOL. She leaves and runs to my apt. and goes to my bedroom and passes out. I cover her up and hang out with the few remaining friends staying up. We listen to a comedy CD and then go downstairs bc Reddy (Indian) is drunk and wants some food from his friends. We go over there and I watch fifteen minutes of Dreamcatcher and go home. Misty is passed out and I go to put on my pjs and trip over Colleens ass! Jackass must have feel on the floor and grabbed a pillow. So, I get her back in bed. Then this is the most messed up crap. I have a dream more or less it is a nightmare. I am very protective of women so this freaked me out. (Here goes if I can remember it right). These guys were going to do something to the girls that were at my apt. I couldn't get up they were holding me down. I kept trying and trying and nothing. It is like one of them had superpowers he would just put his palm on my chest and I couldn't get up. I don't think he wanted me to wake up. Finally I wake up. So, what does freaked out Joel do? I grab my Glock 22 and search my apt. to make sure that we are all safe. Then i lay down and I am paranoid to sleep. Finally the alarm goes off for Colleen and she doesn't want to get up. I bet you a KAJILLION Dollars that she never thought that I would wake her up on time. I am out of school so I don't care and when she blows smoke up my ass saying that she really doesn't have to yada yada yada then we both go back to sleep. Misty wakes up from the alarm I set her and the two leave. Colleen was piss drunk when she left. This should be interesting how her classes went. Don't get me wrong I went to class piss drunk on several occasions. I had another dream which was silly. I just went to the shooting range and someone broke the window I was to blame. The only good thing that came out of that dream was that I was able to beat the shit out of the guy I know that works at footlocker. He is a 5 foot, white g-thug. I swear to god he is a little fagot. He reminds me of Malibus most wanted. My girl just called. Listen to this she didn't even go to class she just went back to her dorm and crashed I swear. I should have seen that one coming. Can you see the irony? I wake up about one or so to the rain which I love and here I am. Writing in a journal I never thought I would write in and boy did I write a lot.